Sometimes it’s really hard to share the messy parts of who we are. Those parts we’re not proud of…those parts that we’re insecure about. It’s tough to share those things with the people closest to us, let alone with people on the internet. So with that being said, I’d like to start this blog post off by saying two things:
- This isn’t going to be like most of my blog posts. I’m going to treat this more like a journal entry, and with that being said I’ve debated posting this. It’s vulnerable, puts it all out there. I’m not always the best at being vulnerable. But if this can resonate with someone, one person, and make them feel not so alone – then that’s why I wrote it.
- If you have a broken heart, I’d like to say I’m sorry. It sucks to go through, it really sucks. This is the worst feeling, I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.
The it’s not you- it’s me, the lies, the slap in the face, the kicks when you’re down, the self-blame, self-guilt, replaying every fight, every cherished moment. The torturing yourself to the point where you have to run to the nearest bathroom to ball your eyes out. To the feeling where you knew your eyes were puffy for weeks. I’ve been there.
You deserve better, you’re better than him. I heard that a lot. A lot, a lot. And it doesn’t sit well. Like great, I deserve better, but I wasn’t good enough for that as*hole? PERFECT.
And then your mind goes to the how could someone who loved me, who cared about me have done this to me? But shitty people do shitty things.
You think you know someone but in reality, you don’t. You’d think others would have respect towards you, but they don’t. Not everyone has the same heart and you’ll end up real disappointed if you think people will do for you as you would do for them. Respect isn’t mutual, communication isn’t mutual. Shitty people do shitty things. And that isn’t on you.
One day I’ll realize, I am good enough for a love I deserve.
I know I deserve certain things in a relationship, as does everyone. Someone where you should always feel like the feelings are both respected and reciprocated. A relationship where know the effort you are putting into this relationship is reciprocated and appreciated. A relationship where you shouldn’t have to question if someone is cheating or lying, and where you feel reassured in every aspect of it. And mostly, where you feel loved, and you can love freely.
The Blessing in Disguise
I’ve tried to see this as a blessing because that wasn’t always my relationship. But I know I can look back and left nothing on the table, nothing I could have done differently.
So why does it hurt so damn bad? Why do I feel so worthless? So unloveable? And the worst: not good enough. I knew it was all going to be okay, I just didn’t know how I was supposed to get there. Why do I feel bipolar being completely fine one minute and a wreck the next? Sometimes, I can go from the I hate your guts, to the fetal position balling in a matter of seconds. To how I have to focus on one thing, one moment or else I get overwhelmed with anxiety. Why do I let my mind wander until the weeee hours of the night, fall asleep crying, only to have a nightmare within a few hours and wake up with an anxiety attack where I have to wonder if it’s actually a heart attack and I should rush to the emergency room.
It’s all confusing, and still is, I don’t understand. And I probably never will. Instead of searching for answers, I know I have to be okay with no answers. I have to be okay for myself. Because the way I’ve been living, the way I’ve been treating myself is not okay.
Looking back, even just writing this brings up all the real and raw emotions. But what I’ve learned and what I will always take with me: trust your gut. Trust your intuition. And when your significant other calls you crazy or tells you that you’re being psycho and tries to turn the blame onto you – realize it. Don’t look the other way. And definitely, don’t question it.
I’m waiting for the day that I can look back and smile, knowing why this happened for a reason. Where I can let go completely of the person who I thought I knew, and who I thought I loved.
Which leads me to this moment, and this is the moment. No more wishing of the unhappy I was because it’s less unhappy than this. No more of the self-doubt, or the negative self-talk. No more replaying every moment to see if there was something, some clue, some moment of clarity that I missed and then I could have not been so blindsided.
Moral of the story: always trust your gut & no matter what you do, shitty people will do shitty things.
~ XOXO, the girl who’s stronger (on most days), Amanda // Blonde out of Water